between animation and life

Ciao a tutti,

I hope everybody of you stay good.
just one day more and we will begin the new year.

I am really excited because I know so many things will happen next year.
Friends... don't forget... somewhere in this fucking world there would be someone which one can make you lucky. Whatever will happen.

Today I thought: Come on Super-ragazza, today you will change your haircolour. I am sure the most of you will remember that I asked everybody what he think about my ideas. And... applause applause... I am a brunette again.  Really I can't believe and at the first time I was really shocked when I saw myself in the mirror. Everybody know that I LOVE my natural blond hair!
Normally I go to a shop to make it but today I made it for myself. Ah ah ah … Nobody can’t imagine. The bathroom was full of brown colour. My mother came at home and she screamed. Okay she laughed also but at first she screamed. I think I needed one thousand years till this fucking cream was on every single hair. Mamma mia. And than I had to wait 15 minutes. And I swear to god … my hears became RED!!!!!!!!! And I thought I became a heart attack. Really. The skin on my head looked like fire and my hairs just red. And I hate red hairs. Really. So I called my gayfriend and told him whats happened and he said make the juice of citrus in your hair. I thought .. are you crazy? You wanna killing me or what? Normally with this juice you can make your hairs more blond. I thought just fuck you after I have orange hairs or what. I thought okay.. at first I make this cream out of my hairs and than we will see. And puuuhh.. I had luck. It was brown but when I stay in the sun or in special light sometimes you see something red between the brown hairs. So.. special effect . hahahaha
But this brown is nice. I had many different brown colours in past and this one is like hazelnut. Really great. And perfect with my skin and my blue eyes and my new style. Hahaha

Yesterday I went to the shoppingcenter and he told me something about his new sessual affair. Really I can't imagine how he can love someone which one is like him. You know what I mean. When we was younger, so the time when we stayed in the junior high school he was everytime together with one girl. I think the name was sabrina. Yes. exactly this was the name. I swear.. for me it's okay that he's gay. He's one of my best friends which one I knew since 12 years and something. I think all of us thought in the silent that he's gay but since one year he said for his own that he is. And we speak almost everyday about this.. but for me it's really strange. I mean.. I walk with him through the shops and he said to me.. oh look this one have a nice ass!  What? That's really strange.

Ah, dios mio.
Today I will try to write many scenes for my new book. In the last weeks I didn't wrote much and I want to finish this book soon. Before the vacation for sure because after I will have no time to write.

And Michelle.. yes you are right.
SUWAS. Yesterday we did it. And it was good and I swear you I thought the whole night of it. It was good to speak about this and it was good to know what he think about this.  We found it (siamo le super-ragazze) and now we have to hold it ...

Okay... I know it was wrong to react like this.
To write some bad angry things into the blog and I know that this was not Darios mistake.
I'm sorry for that what I wrote and I am sorry for everything I said but yesterday night I was just angry. Angry of the whole world.
Normally it's okay if we can't hear us. But specially yesterday it was different.
After 4 months...the bad feelings for Elvis, this feeling like hate came inside of me and I waited long time till it came.
After the time in past I never felt angry or something. I just lived my life and I asked myself why I can't be angry. But last night it changed. Now I am just angry for everything he did. And it's great and on a special way I feel more free. Free for every nice and great feeling for Dario.
Now I know that every bad thing of this year is finished and closed and not important or inside of me anymore.
Now I just want to say a really big sorry to Dario and I hope that everything will be still good. I don't wanted to react like this. But everything came together and than I exploded.

If SUWAS means - do it, when you think it's the right time - than I can say: I did it. Maybe it was a little bit late but I did it and now I just want to go to Dario, to hug him and to know that he's just mine and nobody can stand between us. Nothing and nobody. I just want to be happy from now. Without all this shit from my past.

I believe in love. Really I do. And I believe that you can find just one time in your life someone else which one would change your life from the top to the buttom. And these one will be the only one which one can be your big love.
I hope that I found it in Dario. No, I don't hope... I know it. I found what I searched and this is the biggest present what someone can get in a life.

I'm sorry for everything.
I love you...

Und danke babe. SUWAS - du hast es gesagt. Ich habs einfach umgeschnallt. Oh ja, und wie ichs umgeschnallt habe, so fest ich konnte. Hab einfach alles angepackt, was zu greifen war. Die Sache mit dem zwei-meter-Idioten, mit dir und deiner Familienzüchterei und unsren Plänen und das Leben gemeinsam mit meinem Dj.  
Was würd ich nur ohne dich machen.

You know what.
I am really angry at this moment, disappointed ... I feel sad.
I feel everything just in this moment.

So many people are around me but I feel just alone.
It's like I'm standing in a room and hundred of peoples are around me but if I would scream nobody would notice me.
Can somebody imagine this?
And who's not here?
Exactly...him!!
I am so fucking angry... I just want to hit somebody till this aggressive moment is over. I think I was never so angry like now. Would he stay one time online when HE IS online and not one hour after he made his business in facebook and everywhere things like this would not happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But no.... He don't care what I think about this.
I mean... Since 6 or 7 weeks I sleep just three hours in the nights and he... fuck you ... I know also now that he will not come online tonight.
For sure .-... I love him... he's the most important person for me and I want to spend my life with him but in this second I'm just angry.

I can't explain why it is like this.
in one second it's like i am fantasticall happy and in the other second I feel sad and angry. It's crazy. And I know why it is like this!
It's because the time.
I know ... 19 days sounds like nothing if you see it next to six years or something... and also if the time is running for me it's not fast enough till I can see him again. I mean I love him but I have to stay here... 4437 km far away from him. And than this fucking line is not working. Specially at this day when I needed it the most to talk with him!
The whole last days I feel this unrest .. this alarm inside of me!
Normally I am really relaxed in every situation. But till the time with elvis... my whole personality changed in something other. He's responsible for this! I give him the guilty for everything. It's his result that I can't trust anymore in persons like in past... specially in animators. It's his fault that I lost every single one of my dreams. It's his fault that I can love just with the one thought behind in my head. It's his fault that I am angry now and I wished that someday I could give him all the bad things back... which one he gave me. 
Even I don't care him anymore. But I can't forget what he did. And I can't forget how hard the time was for me and I can't forget how bad felt this feelings inside of me. I can't forget that I have one opening thing with him.  I wish no bad things to anybody... but if some bad things would happen to him.. I would be the last person which one would give him help or something.

Oh yes... this was a fucking sunday. Really boring and in the end I feel angry... sad .... and alone.
And the only person which one I need now is somewhere in Hurghada and can't answer me. Or maybe don't want... I don't know. I will wait a little bit time more... but I know... that he will not come online this night anymore.

Life is what it is.

I'm honestly.. at the moment... I just want to scream and cry..

Oh my god, I just love this song.
Everytime when I feel sad I just need to hear this song and I become happy again.
It's one clubsong of animation which one was the special one in shedwan 2 years ago.
And I love it.

OH my god.
Today is a really boooooring day.
I think I could die.

Today I made a competition with my father 'cause he didn't believed that my italian is really great.
So we made things about the vocabulary and the grammatical things.. and ...  I WON.
Ah, ah, ah.

Mhm... and now I don't know what else I can do.

I want to go outside. But ... what is the problem... exactly... all my friends lie in bed and sleep. Can someone imagine this? And mia super-ragazze is too far away to come with me.  Michelle .. can you tell me why you stay by your uncle? Mamma mia what do you think what Matteo will think. He miss and wait you ... And I die because it's so boring and you sit anywhere in´the middle of nowhere with your parents by your uncle. Aaahh
Apropos .. uncle. I told you that my uncle will go away from germany together with my aunt? And one thousand times you have the choice to rate to which place. THAILAND  My uncle was many times there in the past and he buyed one house which on is on a little wonderful island. He showed me some pictures. Really great.  But you know ... my uncle is the brother of my father. So the .. son of my grandmother. YOu know babe.. this grandmother. Which one hates me  If she will know that he go away to thailand .. she will become absolutely crazy. Hahahah .. at first me with africa... and now him with the other end of the world... hahahaha